dating and these dumb ass rules

yall, im so mf tired of hearing about dating and it’s invisible rules. i swea fo JESUS.

Which is crazy coming from me because I actually like love. Like i actually love love. Certified lover girl if you will. I like romance. I like the idea of two people meeting, liking each other, deciding they want to explore that connection, and just...doing that. But I do not know what the hell people are doing right now, and honestly it’s making me mad.

ion man, somewhere between these Instagram relationship goals, them damn dating coaches, the insufferable red pill podcasts, fake soft-life think pieces, "high-value" men, "high-value" women (Kevin Samuels you will pay) , masculine energy, feminine energy, 90-day rules, roster dating, attachment styles, and strangers with microphones telling everybody how long they should wait before texting somebody back, we made dating a fucking group project, and aint nobody pulling they weight.

And I just got one question. When the hell did it happen? This shift.

When did we get to the place where we stopped asking ourselves what we wanted and start asking the internet what we're supposed to want? Because that's the part that really irritates me. And what’s crazy is, I don’t think people ever stopped wanting love. If anything, I think people desperately want it. More than they even express it. You can see it in everything we like, repost, share, save, and send to our friends.

People repost the video of the man surprising his woman with flowers. "THIS."

They share the woman talking about how much she loves pouring into her man. "THIS."

They repost the couple traveling together, praying together, laughing in the kitchen, doing funny (dumb ass skits,) having difficult conversations, building a life, being affectionate, communicating openly. "God, I've seen what you've done for others."

(all that shit above is another conversation)

But then you meet some of these same people in REAL LIFE and they don't have the emotional capacity to even participate in the very “relationship goals” they're consistently reposting. And that shit fascinates me, while at the same time confusing the hell out of me. How are you reposting "I want somebody who communicates" while actively avoiding every uncomfortable conversation you get in with someone? How are you sharing posts about intentional dating while keeping six people in rotation because somebody goofy ass online told you never to put all your eggs in one basket? And baby how high as eggs are right now, I don’t even want eggs touching each other cause I’m afraid they gon break. How are you reposting vulnerability posts while being terrified to tell somebody you actually like them? How are you continuously screaming that you want effort, romance, consistency, reassurance, softness, honesty, and intimacy while simultaneously trying to make sure nobody ever thinks you care too much? yall are LYING.

And I think the part of the problem is that social media has allowed us to create relationship identities that don't necessarily match who we are in actual relationships. Thats because social medica has allowed us to curate desires instead, but not the discpline to actively obtain and KEEP. Everybody is so smart and want to one up, while not realizing that everybody isnt playing the game with them. fucking losers. You can build an entire digital personality around the kind of partner you supposedly are and the kind of relationship you supposedly want without ever having to actually practice any of it, and thats the part that is dumb. Do people not realize that the veil may or may not…indeed drop?

Some folks feel like they reposts can make you emotionally intelligent. What you like can make you appear to be romantic. Your saved videos can make you intentional. Your captions can make you healed. Whole time, the person actually trying to date yo ass is somewhere wondering why the hell they're getting a completely different version.

But hear me out though! I also don't think social media deserves all the blame. Sometimes I wonder if social media just simply exposed something that was already there.

Fear.

People are afraid. And they do not want to be vulnerable and admit that hard and sacred truth. Its the fear of rejection. Fear of looking stupid, goofy, or played. Fear of choosing wrong. Fear of being vulnerable. Fear of loving somebody more than they love you. Fear of being the person who cared first. Fear of being embarrassed because you believed somebody who ultimately disappointed you. fear that you’re running out of time to learn the rules, before new rules are made up. And now we've built an entire dating culture around avoiding those feelings. And the damn rules aint even real.

Everybody is in they fucking head with not doing. Don't text too quickly. Don't be too available. Don't tell them how much you like them. Don't stop dating other people too soon. Don't ask where it's going too early. Don't do too much. Don't look desperate. Don't get attached. Don't let them know you care. Scaredy-cats if you ask me. There is nothing no one can shame me about doing, that I myself want to do. Many people secretly want the same courage and confidence but there is a fear that nobody else is like…them. In other words, people are suppose to basically find love while doing everything in your power to make sure nobody can tell you want love.

Makes perfect fucking sense. And maybe that's why dating feels so exhausting now. Everybody is trying to maintain leverage. Everybody wants options. Everybody wants to be pursued without appearing interested. Everybody wants intimacy without vulnerability. Everybody wants someone obsessed with them while remaining emotionally detached enough to leave at any moment. And what I don’t understand is yall, honestly the selection of people from both sides are not that exciting, and interesting for folks to act like they are enjoying the multitudes of options.

Everybody wants a "safe" relationship, but nobody wants to take the emotional risk required to create one. Then we wonder why everybody feels lonely. Dating is beginning to feel like everybody is trying to create stragedy, when there is no gameplan to how feelings, ideas, and companionship that is desired is suppose to go. And thats because the rules of dating are not one size fit all.

Having standards is knowing what works for you. Knowing your values. Knowing what you will and won't tolerate. Knowing the kind of partnership you're capable of giving and hoping to receive. Read that shit again…Capable of GIVING. While strategy is trying to control every interaction so you never have to feel exposed. We all have played spades before (if you have not, please dont piss me off lol) … but every hand aint a full house.

Honestly yall, I think its because we've consumed so much stupid ass advice, books, guides, etc about how relationships are supposed to work that some people don't even know what they genuinely want anymore. Thats why alot of folks are using their social media to paint pictures of what they think they want, because I think they believe it has to be true.

Because lets answer honestly, do people actually want a roster? Or did somebody convince us that dating multiple people is the only way to avoid getting “played?” Do you actually want somebody paying every single bill? Or have you watched enough videos telling you that's the ultimate proof of love that anything else now feels inadequate? Do you genuinely believe you should wait three days to respond? Or are you afraid that responding when you really want to will make you look too interested? Because isn’t one of the first meeting points of romantic agreement is mutual interest?

I be scratching my head wondering do people actually want a traditional relationship? Or do you just like the aesthetic of what you see on Instagram? Do you actually want independence? Or are you scared to need somebody? Do you actually want casual? Or did casual become safer than admitting you want something real, and you have settled with only accepting casual encounters?

And YALL. please just answer this for me: If nobody could see your relationship, what would you actually want it to look like?

No Instagram. No viral TikToks. No dumb ass relationship gurus on podcasts. No group chat voting on every text message. Becuse for the love of God, what your friends want and what you want can and will be different. No strangers explaining masculine and feminine energy. No comparison. No posting anniversaries reels trying to outdo the anniversary reel you saw months ago hoping your partner tops it. No "couple goals." Nobody watching. Just you and the person you’re actively trying to pursue, while they’re actively trying to pursue you too.

Would your standards even still be the same? Would your timeline or what you are subliminal posting be different? Would your expectations? Would you still need all the things you've been told prove somebody like or is interested in you? Because maybe dating isn't actually as complicated as we have fucking made it. Maybe two people can simply meet or swipe right. Like each other. Communicate. You know, still be intentional. Figure out their compatibility. Decide what commitment looks like for them. And move at a pace that makes sense for their relationship. Crazy fucking concept, apparently. *slaps forehead.

And listen, I ain’t in no what saying throw your standards out the window. Because hell naw! Have standards, and keep them thangs HIGH.

But for the love of God, damn, can we leave a little room for being human, and realistic? Can we stop treating every dating interaction like we're negotiating a hostile takeover? Lol, because some of our negotiations stink and we wouldn’t even get shit. Can we stop approaching people assuming they're going to hurt us and then calling our emotional unavailability "discernment"? Can we just admit when we like somebody? Can we date one person if that's what we actually want to do without somebody telling us we're "putting all our eggs in one basket"? Read what I said above again about them high ass eggs.

I’m going to end it here cause I’m getting mad again, LOL but here’s what I’ve pondered on. Maybe social media didn't actually ruin dating. Maybe we just gave it entirely too much damn authority over something that was always supposed to always be personal. At some point, we gon have to put these phone down, stop reposting love, and i dont know…maybe give it a chance your own way?

xoxo

Sho